The Sacred Police Cake Covenant

The Cake Covenant

 

As esteemed holders of ‘the office of constable’, we as police officers must be held to account and adhere to high professional standards. Should fellow brothers and sisters of law enforcement fall below said standards, a penance must be paid to atone for those indiscretions. As decreed by the elders of the police service – many of whom have now retired and drink heavily - any officer committing an act deemed worthy of punishment under the great cake covenant shall bear repentance in the form of cakes or sweet dessert based provisions. These gifts shall be bestowed upon other members of the team at the wrong doers expense. Only then might the wrong doer seek forgiveness from their fellow officers and be again accepted back into the fellowship.

 

The list of offences which fall within the cake covenant is non-exhaustive and subject to change at any time; however the following are commonly recognised and accepted breaches:

 

Section 1 - Stupidity within public office:

As constables of her majesty, accepting responsibility to uphold the law of the land and keep the peace, we have a duty to be upstanding members of society. Should a member of our sacred fraternity commit an act that other members judge to bring the team or the police service as a whole into disrepute, then cakes shall be bestowed. Examples of such incompetence might be as follows:

Allowing those already under arrest, or those about to become prisoners, to escape by running away.
Failure to search prisoners properly in custody, therefore allowing them to bring illegal contraband – drugs, weapons, cigarettes, mobile telephones - in to custody.

Losing or forgetting part of your personal protective equipment (body armour, handcuffs, baton, incapacitent spray) and/or uniform - especially your trousers (don't ask, it was a long time ago and I don't want to talk about it).

Any other almighty act of monumental, unthinkable, inexcusable simplemindedness; a recent stated case being the time Smithy, unbeknown to him, drove the entire ten mile length of the bypass with his blue lights still on at 59mph, unable to fathom the peculiar driving habits exhibited by the innocent motorists before him. Traffic chaos ensued. The unfortunate incident only being highlighted when a road policing (traffic) unit, travelling the opposite way, couldn't help but notice the procession and pointed out the error to all listening to the radio channel.

 

Section 2 - An officer leaving his/her computer unlocked:

As officers of the law we are privy to information and intelligence that is confidential and not for the public domain. All police computer users are therefore issued a username and password so that when away from their desk the information shall not fall into the wrong hands. If a team member finds a colleague has failed to lock their computer, leaving this information available to all, that team member has a responsibility to immediately log into their absent minded colleagues email account and, whilst posing as the other officer, send correspondence to a senior officer of their choosing declaring undying love for them. We take this extremely embarrassing cause of action so that our forgetful colleague might learn from their mistake, thus making them greater assets to the police service in the future.

 

Section 3 - Polacc:

Police vehicles are a rare and valuable commodity. Not only do they speed law men and women to the assistance of those who need them, but they also provide shelter during inclement weather, allow the use of drive through fast food restaurants during hours when it is not possible to walk in to the establishment and order food by more conventional means, they have a rear luggage compartment for storing paperwork and pack lunches alike, finally they make the nee-nar noise with the flashy blue lights that is synonymous with the police and as such have come to be symbols of the police service.
If an officer causes harm to come to a police vehicle then not only will their disgruntled supervisor have considerable amounts of paperwork to complete, but that vehicle will not be available for other officers to use until repaired. In this unfortunate instance, cakes will follow.

 

Section 4 - Tardiness for briefing, including outbursts of cellular mobile telecommunication devices:

Briefing time is an important one. A time when all the officers on a team join together as one and worship at the altar of Microsoft PowerPoint and pray for enlightenment and give thanks to those on high who bestow unrealistic performance gauging targets. Here we learn about our foes and the goings-on in the community we serve. To be late for reverence is a sin and disrespectful to all who DID managed to get up on time. Likewise, to interrupt this sacred time with the 'Gangnam Style' ringtone is unforgivable. Cakes shall be offered to those offended at the earliest opportunity. Briefing is also the time when punishment cakes are shared.

 

This is an excerpt from my new book 'Law and Disorder: the good ,the bad and the police officer' which should be available in paperback and ebook soon.