Have you ever been to a
party and you’re the only sober person there and you feel slightly
uncomfortable as you don’t know anyone else? It’s a slightly unsettling
atmosphere and time is dragging as you look at your watch for the seventh time
since arriving. In fact you’re not really sure why you’ve been invited or
agreed to go in the first place and now people keep staring at you. You knew
the party host from school but if honest, you haven’t properly kept in contact
and their new friends just seem weird and childish. It’s awkward and really you
just want to be at home watching Match Of
The Day or a show presented by that delightful Ant and Dec. Any of this
sound familiar? Well that’s the feeling every police officer has, standing
outside licensed venues at the weekend.
As I once
again find myself on public order duty on Saturday night, standing outside Lava
and Lights night club – waiting for the inevitable fight to happen in front of
me, whilst at the same time attempting to reassure the public they are safe – I
see him. Him being the drunk male with the gormless smile across his sweaty
face. He’ll wander around outside the club with the smokers who are busy chatting
and swearing away at each other. It is obvious he has no mates of his own, no
money left, but although it’s 3:45 a.m. in the morning, he also has no
intention of ending the evening until everyone has got in taxis and the streets
are awash with Subway wrappers and bodily fluids. I watch as he bumbles around,
desperately trying to find someone to talk to and show interest and/or take
pity on him. My ‘scroat-dar’ is going haywire.
But then I
make the ultimate mistake! I’ve made eye contact with him! I see his grin swell
and his eyes cross as he tries to focus on me before he begins to stumble in my
general direction.
“Oh no,
please leave me alone,” I mutter to myself as he approaches.
But just as
the youth is about to open his mouth and utter something enlightening, I am
afforded a brief respite: a little blonde, barely wearing a skirt and top
despite the near sub-zero temperature, projectile-vomits just a few feet away
from me. The crowd turns to look at the young girl and cheers before returning to
their socializing. My ‘buddy’ PC Knightly (officers always stay in pairs on
public order duty) goes over to see if she is OK ... and gets a second burst of
sick over her boots for her trouble.
“She is well
fit,” slurs the male youth at the puking blonde before turning his attention
back to me as he remembers why he started the intoxicated and therefore
perilous journey across the pavement.
He is just a
few feet away now and only a miracle can save me from having to interact with
him. I know what’s coming so with a deep sigh I prepare for the witty banter
that’s bound to shortly spew forth from his noise hole.
But
suddenly, as he makes his final approach, a feeling of personal disappointment
comes over me: maybe, despite my months of training and years of experience, I
prejudged the youth and he has a serious legal question to ask and needs my
assistance. A distant memory about why I signed up for this job in the first
place comes back to the forefront of my mind – to help the public! As a
protector of the Queen’s peace and public servant, I have a responsibility – nay,
duty – to aid this inebriated citizen. I straighten up, puff out my chest, turn
my ear to him, and wait to hear what the tanked-up gentleman has to say...
“If a woman’s
pregnant, yeah, do you have to let her p*ss in your hat?”
My heart
sinks and a little piece of me dies inside. I should have trusted my first
instinct. I tell the male to clear off before I lock him up for the night for a
public order offence. He wisely heeds my advice and once again shuffles off
into the crowd to find someone else whose evening he can enhance as he has done
mine. I used to at least try to engage revellers and make polite conversation
when I was new. Now I just manage to resist the temptation to hand out Section
5 warnings to anyone who dares come within 5 metres of my proximity.
PS. By the way, no woman, pregnant or otherwise, has ever urinated in my hat either with or without my consent. Another police myth dispelled.
Top 10 Things Drunk People Say to the Police:
As well as asking about the legal rights of expectant women using police
headwear as potties, inebriated party people jump at the opportunity to babble
on to the men and women in blue about all manner of nonsense at the weekends.
The officers are actually there to protect the nation’s high streets and
nightspots and not provide
entertainment for club-goers. In fairness not every boozed up person is a
menace; from time to time, whilst on duty it is possible to have insightful and
intelligent debate with people on a night out which makes the shift pass
quicker as well as helping portray the police in a friendly and approachable
light. This is often not the case though.
1. “Do you know my best mate Steve? He’s a copper.”
Despite only knowing their good friend’s first name, members of the public
expect a police officer to know every other police officer in the country – irrespective
of whether Steve even works for the same force as them. No, I do not know
Steve.
2. “I fancy a bacon sandwich.”
The old ones are not necessarily the best ones. This one is slurred with a
broad smile across their face and usually precedes a public order warning being
issued by the less-than-amused officer. A very predictable and disappointing
effort from the boozed up amateur comedian.
3. “I didn’t do it! Ha ha!”
Comedy gold. The drunken and over-excitable person will humorously insinuate
that the officer standing outside the pub or club is there to arrest them.
Sometimes there is a little variant on this classic when they laugh and shout “OK,
you got me, I did it!” offering out their hands to be arrested. One day I might
just call their bluff by deliberately misinterpreting their poor attempt at
humour and take their joking as a genuine confession and slap the cuffs on
them, thus improving my arrest figures and clearing some of my crime reports.
4. “It took 18 officers to arrest me last time!”
This is a lie; with budget cutbacks, most police forces couldn’t muster 18
officers being in one place at the same time without a meticulously, pre-planned
operation being in effect. Undesirables take great pride in gloating about how
so many officers were present in order to arrest them last time. The truth is
that the more officers there are to arrest a subject, then the less likely that
person is going to be subjected to injury. Officers train to work as a team to
restrain villains with as minimal an amount of force being exerted as
necessary.
5. “Will you give me a lift home please, I’ve lost all my money?”
No. 999 Taxis only drop off at one location – the rooms are free but sparsely
furnished with no minibar. Usually when they say ‘lost’ they actually mean ‘spent’
their money on copious amounts of alcoholic beverages.
6. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you weren’t in uniform!”
Possibly not, because then I would be some weirdo vigilante out bossing about
members of the public. But since I am wearing the uniform, and someone has to
keep the peace, I will tell those that need telling to behave or suffer the
consequences.
7. “Have you found my bike yet? It got nicked ages ago and you lot have done nothing!”
I didn’t even know I was supposed to be looking! I’ve never met you before or
know anything about your stolen bike. I’m very sorry we have failed you thus
far, but I’ll now drop everything and make it my top priority! I sympathise
with victims of crime and wherever possible my colleagues and I will do our
utmost to reunite them with their property, but sometimes it is just not
possible.
8. “Why don’t you go and catch real criminals?”
Because we’re too busy dealing with drunken idiots right now.
9. “That doorman has just assaulted me! I want him arrested!”
It is true that some door staff are overly heavy-handed and when they cross
that line they should still be dealt with by the law; but if the police
arrested every security officer following a boozy complaint from a recently
ejected customer, then soon no venues across the country would be able to open.
Actually, that doesn’t sound such a bad idea…
10. “You’re right officer: I’ve had a lovely evening, but as you suggest I’m going to go home now before I do something silly and spoil it all as a result of my intoxication. Keep up the good work. Cheerio!”
This is an excerpt from my book - NOW UPDATED FOR 2014 - 'I Pay Your Wages! A Beginners Guide to the Police Service' that is available HERE from Amazon on Kindle and paperback, and also on iBooks and many other ebook sites.
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