What follows is an excerpt from my book "I Pay Your Wages! A Beginners Guide to the Police Service". Available from Amazon in paperback and Kindle format. I hope you enjoy it.
Reasons to become a police officer
FACT: There are 43 regional police forces in England and Wales as well as 8 in Scotland; not to mention British Transport Police and the Civil Nuclear Constabulary who are based all over the country.
As if the allure of wearing a sexy black uniform and spending your time chasing after miscreants isn't enough, before you submit an application you must also question your own motives for wanting to be part of the thin blue line. Are you applying for the right reasons? Here are some of the real reasons people join the police service:
Because I watch too much TV
Although they'd never admit it, this is the real reason most people attempt the 25 page police application form. Being a cop is cool, right? Only the most fool hardy still believe The Bill was an accurate portrayal of modern policing - there is far more drama and sexual scandal in real life! But even theplethora of fly-on-the-wall style documentaries do not often accurately reflect the day to day work of the police though. Have you ever heard Jamie Theakston say, "On this week’s episode we join PC Johnson of the Roads Policing Team as he completes an urgent file upgrade because - although the CPS have known about the impending court case for many weeks - they have only just sent an email requesting the full file urgently."? Don’t forget, literally days of footage is shot to condense down enough action to make just eight 1-hour-long episodes for the police obsessed general public to devour.
Incidentally, being in the police ruins any enjoyment that you (and especially the people sitting with you) might have had before when watching fictional cop shows on either the big or small screen. You will constantly find yourself saying out loud things like, "His superiors would never let him get away with that, so unrealistic" or "He's got no grounds to kick that door in and enter," and "That is a flagrant breach of PACE!"
Being a police officer is at times very exciting and you will get to chase after evildoers, driv
e cars fast, fight drunken people and maybe even save some lives. But it is not a job to be taken lightly and not a job you "might give it a try" to. Once you have strip searched and intimately examined a crack & heroin addict, and found concealed packages of the drugs in the most unthinkable of orifices you will soon realize the job of a front line police officer is not a glamorous one. Although comparably well paid to some other public service jobs, unless an individual truly wants to be a police officer and is prepared to work hard and sacrifice, perhaps some applicants should look elsewhere. Is the fire service recruiting maybe?
Because the fire service wouldn't have me
The police and ‘Trumpton’ have a funny relationship. Although ultimately we have to get on with them and both are professional, there is still a bit of animosity bubbling under the service. No-one can really say why, but I guess it comes down to professional rivalry and who is the best emergency service (sorry ambulance service, you do an amazing job under the circumstances but this is a two horse race). There is little doubtwho are the best physically as the fire service win hands down there. They also seem far better funded and equipped as their toys far exceed ours: In their trucks they have breathing apparatus, high tech cutting equipment (hacking the roofs off crashed cars is by far their favourite pastime), inflatable river rescue tools, laser synched flashing lights and the shiniest helmets you'll ever see to name but a few. In the back of my panda (medium sized patrol car, named after the traditional black and white livery once worn by them) I'm lucky to have three orange cones, an empty first aid kit and a broom to sweep up RTC (Road Traffic Collision) debris! I heard from an ex-fire fighter who had since seen sense and joined the winning team that the ‘splash-and-dash boys’ opinion of the ‘boys in blue’ deteriorated further when the fire service went on strike in 2002 over their pay and conditions. If you recall the army were drafted in with their antique ‘Green Goddesses’ to ensure some sort of contingency was in place. As the police supported the armyand not the fire fighters on the picket line, they have had a bee in their bonnets ever since. I'm not sure how true this is, but one thing is for sure: ifyou want to impress the opposite sex, join the fire service! They're the real heroes after all! Plus they get to sleep during their night shifts instead of going out ‘patrolling’ for fires and cats in trees.
Although it pains me to admit it, the fire service does a magnificent job (as do the paramedics) in the same difficult financial, social and litigious modern world we now live in.
Because I was bullied at school
Members of the public ask me about this fairly often. It inevitably comes immediately prior, or after someone gets arrested strangely. Let me give you an example of such an occurrence that will happen up and down night spots all over the country on Friday and Saturday nights:
Yob: “...but why have I gotta leave, I ain’t done nothin’ wrong!”
PC Surname: “The door staff have asked you to leave, now move it.”
Yob: “This is b******s! I ain’t moving.”
PC Surname: “You’re in public, if you swear again you’re liable to get arrested.”
Yob: “**** off!”
PC Surname: "Right, that's it! You're nicked ..."
Yob: "I'd bang you out if you weren't in that uniform! I bet you got bullied at school or summin'!"
PC Surname: (on the police radio) “Can we have the van outside Lava and Lights please!”
Being a police officer and the uniform that comes with it means you can do and say a lot more than you would normally get away with as a civilian. But this is a privilege not to be abused. It has been said before that in this country the populous are policed by consent. This means that despite the low public opinion of the police, which is created by a fickle media to sell papers, the average person on the street will still do as told when it is done respectfully by the man/woman in blue. That's not to say that there aren't a few jumped up little Hitler’s that I know of in my force, but fortunately these are few and far between. New recruits quickly learn it ishow and not what you say to someone that will be the difference betweenhaving a compliant prisoner, or instead having a prisoner spitting and shouting at you as you roll around the floor with him, desperately trying to summon assistance on your radio.
Because my home life is too settled and I spend too much time with my family and friends
Then the police force is perfect for you! Apply today! Life in the police is almost guaranteed to put strain on even the strongest relationship. Many a marriage has been obliterated within six months of an officer starting shift work. Unfortunately, due to the uniqueness of the work and stresses that come with it, often partners who are not in the job find it hard to understand why their once sensible, loving and caring, dedicated sweetheart comes home at the end of a shift a frazzled, cynical, neurotic, imbalanced, tool of law enforcement. This is probably also a contributory factor as to why so many officers are unfaithful. Every police station is awash with rumours of who is sleeping with whom, behind whose back. Sad, but true. It is easy to get engrossed in an exciting new career and neglect those closest, so factor into your thinking how shift work will affect your work-life balance before it’s too late.
FACT: It has been well documented that one in every two marriages in this country ultimately ends in divorce. All research shows police relationships suffer a substantially higher divorce rate with estimates of between 60-75%. Reassuring reading for any newlyweds!
Because I want to find a husband/wife
Another fantastic reason to sign up! Even the most pug ugly probationary officer is bound to find love in the police service. Remember, not only are there hundreds of recently separated men and women on the rebound as a result of the relationship strain (see above), but there are also a whole host of PCSO's and civilian staff to whet the appetite too! Don't expect to keep any new blossoming relationship out of thehottest station gossip and rumour millthough; by definition police officers are naturally inquisitive people and rumours - regardless of their accuracy - spread like wildfire around stations as I mentioned before. Be warned though, even the most successful officers have ruined good careers and lost pensions by being in the intimate company of someone they should not have. An old sweat, now retired, once warned me the ‘Four P’s’ will get you the sack in this job: 1. Paperwork, 2. Property (of the seized/found variety), 3. Pocket Note Books (PNB) and 4. Police women (or men)! So keep your paperwork in order, your property safe, your pocket note book up to date, and your penis in your pants (or the female equivalent if you have no penis… erm …you know what I mean)!
Because I want to be all I can be
A noble cause indeed. Other than using police employment as a form of speed dating as mentioned above, recruits of all ages will develop new skills that not only assist them in furthering their career, but that will also benefit them in all walks of their lives in and out of uniform. Police officers are exposed to an overabundance of situations that mere civilians could not possibly comprehend and as such develop new levels of confidence, resilience and understanding. Although at times very challenging, if you pardon the cliché: “No two days are alike”, and because of this officers have the privilege and burden of witnessing at close quarters the most extraordinary things.
As well as expanding their personal skill sets, officers will also have the chance to go places off limits to the public, be privy to information concealed from the public domain, experience unique scenarios, as well as meeting interesting characters from all backgrounds.
Because my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brother, sister etc. was a copper
There are many second or even third generation officers that I can name in my humble force. Following in relative’s footsteps is quite common. But having roots in the police by no means guarantees success. The officer who makes a name for themselves with hard work and the right attitude, rather than off the back of their relation’s reputation are the ones respected the most.
I often feel sorry for new recruits as I see them struggle to emulate their parent(s) or family in the job they've been groomed for their whole life. Sometimes it is evident to all but the young officer themselves that they are just not cut out for the job. But, like a young Anakin Skywalker, they feel compelled to persist as failure is not an option and they must fulfil their destiny (my second Star Wars reference). Just because The Force is strong in you and your midi-chlorian count is off the scale doesn't mean this is the right job for you. After all, just look what happened to young Anakin - he became The Chief Superintendent ... I mean Lord Darth Vader! (Apologies to those not fans of the Franchise).
Although senior officers would strenuously deny it, especially when it comes to promotion, it can be a case ofwho and not what you know, that can mean the difference between success and failure. Police politics is a valuable weapon to wield.
Because of the career opportunities
Ooh, that's a good one! Another plus with police employment is the meandering path your 35+ year career can take. There are dozens of specialist departments to consider once you've learned about grass roots policing in your tentative first years in the job. Some are more exciting than others:
If you have a penchant for wearing sunglasses at work, your neck is thick, you have a superiority complex over lesser officers, you have a gym membership and enjoy protein shakes, as well as a fondness for leaving chaos and paperwork in your wake at every incident you attend for someone else to clear up, maybe you can master the ancient art of bang-gang stick and lightning caster (AKA firearm and taser) and join the Firearm Support Unit!
Although sometimes enviously mocked by their Divisional peers for being macho glory hunters, firearms officer wannabes have to demonstrate much higher fitness standards than normal frontline personnel, as well as exceptional shooting accuracy and weapons craft before undertaking an intense and long training course. Only the best are then handpicked for the role. Their fitness and skills are then constantly monitored to ensure standards do not slip.
FACT: If as a last resort a firearms officer is required to discharge their weapon at a subject they do so with the intention of instantly removing that threat. In all likeliness this will result in a mortal wound to the subject. Officers are then trained to administer immediate life saving medical assistance to the subject. After firing the officer will be suspended from duty for several months pending an independent inquiry into their decision making and subsequent actions
Alternatively if fast cars and chases are your thing, the traffic department might await you. Using the specialist crime fighting vehicles at their disposal, these guys and gals hurtle around at break neck speed scouring the roads for people not wearing seat pbelts, talking on their phones and using their front fog lights despite visibility being greater than 100 metres - contradicting the advice given by The Highway Code!
Plus, if you want to get yourself on one of those TV documentary shows this is by far your best bet as the public just love to watch a good police pursuit. The best traffic officers would ticket (or ‘knock of’” to use the popular proverbial police term) their own grandma if her nearside rear brake light was out!
As well as showing an aptitude for traffic work, candidates for Road Policing positions have to show excellent driving prowess and car control. Coolness under pressure at chaotic multi-vehicle, serious injury accidents is a must. Traffic officers are also set specific targets each month and their performance is constantly monitored and scrutinised.
Then there's the Dog Section. A very desirable career choice and always fiercely contested when a spot on the team becomes available. The lonely dog handler patrols alone with only man's(or woman's) best friend to keep him/her company. Although tending to not be the most sociable of people, police dog handlers and their K9 colleagues are highly trained and can do amazing things at the right type of incident. A warning though – be wary of the scorned dog handler - if he/she finds out prior to his/her arrival you’ve walked all over the felon’s path and therefore destroyed the ‘track’ the burglar took, they will not be best pleased and soon tell you about it!
A dog handler might have one, two or even three 4 legged friends at their disposal. All handlers will have a ‘general purpose dog’ (usually a larger breed like a German Sheppard) which can be used to track people, protect the handler, and be deployed in public order situations. Contrary to what you see on TV (again), dogs cannot distinguish between one human and another; instead they can only track a human scent; so if there are too many other people walking around – referred to as ‘foot traffic’ – a police dog will not be effective. Other dogs are specialist K9’s with exceptional sense of smells (Belgian Malinois, Labrador Retrievers, or even Springer Spaniels) trained to detect anything from narcotics, firearms, explosives, cash and even concealed cadavers. Dog handlers are highly self motivated and serious candidates usually have a proven track record of proactive and high performance.
Maybe you are a thinking man’s/woman’s cop and CID is your ambition. Dealing with the most serious crimes that require meticulous investigation to send the more deviant criminals down – and all from the comfort of an office chair! The Detectives arena is at the crime scene where attention to details pays dividends, as well as in the interview room where composed and decisive questioning will slowly unravel the webs of lies spun by the accused.
In order to climb the Investigation ladder aspiring officers must be prepared to work hard and be patient; starting in Prisoner Handling Teams before showing the necessary ability to graduate to specialist investigation teams and maybe eventually major crime teams investigating the most high profile cases.
Alternatively you could get one of those police desk jobs that readers of The Daily Mail are always complaining about; the ones who should be "out on the streets" sorting out the hoody infestation in all the town centres across the land. In an ideal world all police officers would be patrolling all the time and catching the burglars and rapists and terrorists, not to mention stopping that Jack Russell from number 73fowling the foot path again. But this is a bureaucratic world nowadays and if you're the type of bobby who wants to spend 33 of your 35 year police career hiding in a fluorescent tube lit, air conditioned office at Head Quarters, then your local constabulary can even find a position for you! Although why you’d want to do this is beyond me.
Because I want to make a difference
To stand up for the little guy, right? This is probably the correct answer, but you're going to have to come up with a weightier rationale to back it up, otherwise you'll sound like a one dimensional Miss World contestant spouting her ultimate desire is "world peace!". People will ask you “why?” all the time when they hear you've applied to be a police officer. I hope everyone who applies to join does so for the correct reasons. Ultimately the good officers do want to make the area they work in a safer place for its inhabitants. I do not work where my family or I live, but I work hard in the hope that in my home town another like-minded officer is doing the same to protect the ones I care about. There always seems to be hindrances being put in the way of front line police; those obstacles can come from dim witted senior officers who are out of touch with reality, an ineffective & antiquated judicial system, the Government with ludicrous targets & league tables, or often just a lack of resourcing and funding. But most of my colleagues, like myself, just get on with job at hand, do not moan or complain (much), and can hold their heads high knowing that, despite it all, we do our very best every shift. Nearly all police officers, myself included (as you’re probably gathering), complain about the job all day long; but would we go back to doing a normal 9 to 5 job, with weekends off, and half the stress we have now? Of course we wouldn’t.
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