By PC Surname

With help from Barney Rumbles (villain)

So you’re thinking of converting to a life of crime; contemplating turning your back on society and normality for an alternative vocation; giving serious consideration to saying “t’hell with the laws of the land!” and “I’m going out to take what’s not rightfully mine!”?

Who can blame you! In these times of high unemployment, low wages, austerity cuts, increased cost of living and social decay (not to mention a faltering judicial system) why wouldn’t you consider a slightly unorthodox profession? After all, the latest games consoles, interactive TV’s and new cars don’t come cheap – not to mention booze and cigarettes!

Maybe you’ve tried the conventional Monday to Friday, nine to five existence and decided that lifestyle just isn’t for you. Perhaps you’ve never worked a day in your life and criminality comes naturally to your clan and as such a life of crime is your destiny – upholding the proud family name.

Venturing down the criminal path is not a decision to be taken lightly though; there are many factors you must consider in advance if you want to make the most of your villainous plans. This short guide will provide all you need to know about crossing over to the dark side and setting off on your journey of self-discovery and debauchery as you pillage and plunder your way up the criminal ladder from petty thief, to powerful crime lord.

Along the way advice will be imparted by career criminal Barney Rumbles – a true legend in his chosen field, Barney has been arrested over 300 times for all manner of offences, so is expertly placed to offer guidance, tips and observations from his vast experience within the enigmatic criminal lifestyle.

“Hi, I’m Barney. That’s me on the front cover after a slight… setback. I’ve been thieving, fighting and philandering all my life, ever since I can remember. I don’t see nothing wrong with what I do – some smucks go out and work sixty hours a week in an office for a boss who doesn’t even know their name, whilst I go out and help myself. My dad was a villain; my granddad was a villain; his dad was a villain, and his dad was actually the Archbishop of York – but we don’t talk about great-great grandpa Cornelius. I’m a one man crime spree me, and I’m here to guide you along in a life of crime – giving you some tips of the trade I’ve picked up along the way.”

Character Traits

A career in lawlessness is not for everyone. If one is to achieve success in this vocational path, one must first be sure the relevant skills and attributes are present; after all, just like a degree of natural, untapped talent must exist in order to pursue a living as a professional athlete for example, without the ingrained characteristics and facets required to be a successful villain the ambition you have might be doomed from the outset. You must look hard into your inner-self and pose yourself some of the following challenging questions before venturing down the unholy path:

Am I ugly enough?

It has been theorised for centuries that criminality is a hereditary, anthropological condition. If you just take the time to look at the ‘most wanted’ faces on TV’s Crimewatch you will notice they all share something in common: they all fell head first out of the Ugly Tree, bludgeoning their faces on every branch on the way down. Maybe when you are undertaking multi-million dollar casino heists there might be an exception and it is okay to look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but when first venturing out into the seedy world of crime your face must resemble that of a gurning world champion chewing on a wasps nest if you are to be taken seriously by your peers. Some might argue that this is attributable to a lifetime of poor diet, poor personal hygiene, a lack of self-preservation and almost certainly substance abuse – and they might be right. But, just like inner-beauty that comes from within, to proceed in crime and truly excel you must be ugly and twisted on the inside as well…

Is my moral compass offset?

Following on from the last line in the above, to be most successful, a prospective criminal must have the required moral fibre – or rather lack of it – to put aside emotion and focus solely on self-gain. The best villains out there would quite literally steal from their own mothers – and often do. There is no place for sentiment, sympathy or selflessness. If you want to be a super villain – a Lex Luther, The Joker, Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort – then you must be prepared to do the unthinkable, the despicable, with no regard for laws, ethics or conscience. This is probably the greatest challenge any wanna-be outlaw must overcome. Those whose lineage encompasses heinous wrong-doings may have a distinct genetic advantage, however if your parents were law-abiding and hard-working, do not fret: history is littered with examples of individuals who rose above their righteous, philanthropic and conscientious upbringings and went on to have successful criminal careers.

“I love crime. I’ll nick anything me. If it’s not nailed down – actually, sometimes even if it is – I’ll have it away; it’s much better than paying for it. Sure, sometimes I get caught and, sometimes, the magistrate takes a dim view of it and I end up doing porridge for a few weeks, but I just see that as an ‘occupational hazard’. When I’m back out I’ll be straight back at it again.”

Am I stupid enough?

Are you needing assistance reading this book? Do you wish there were more pictures? Is the concept of basic literacy and numeracy alien to you? Yes? Perfect! Let’s be honest, if most criminals put as much time and effort into an honest living, they wouldn’t need to resort to crime in the first place. But what ‘crims’ lack in intellect, they make up for in downright skulduggery.

If you are concerned your IQ may make you over qualified for the criminal career path do not despair; others before you have had great success drastically reducing their intelligence - and thus allowing them to engage successfully in criminality – by exposing themselves to copious amounts of mind altering drugs and substances.

Do you have an addictive personality?

What is your motivation for committing crime? What goals are you trying to achieve? Personal satisfaction that comes from ‘the buzz’? Infamy? Financial gain? For most, it’s the latter. But what are you going to spend your new ill-gotten gain on? Many of the most prolific – although not necessarily successful – prefer to spend their ‘wages’ on drugs, alcohol, gambling and any other addictive substance – legal or otherwise – they can lay their thieving hands on. To maintain the high-intensity motivation required to live a lifetime of criminality it is strongly recommended you develop some type of addiction early on in your career. Start with cigarettes by the age of eleven; move on to cannabis and alcohol abuse in your early teens; before progressing to hard drugs by the age of sixteen.

“The booze was always my demon. Still is in fact. I wish I’d taken up a more wholesome hobby now – like golf or fishing – instead of boozin’. Still, it makes the time go quicker and at least I ain’t shooting up with needles anymore; that’s a mugs game if you ask me.”

Am I particularly fertile?

You might be asking yourself what fertility has to do with criminality? Well, unofficial studies have shown that the most prolific deviants - male or female - seem capable of spawning offspring at an alarming rate. This is no mean feat when you consider the frequency at which they change domestic partners, as well as how their home life is spasmodically punctuated with sometimes lengthy stays at Her Majesty’s hotel.

After you have established a deplorable reputation for yourself, thoughts may turn to the future and the nefarious legacy you leave behind - after all, you cannot go on thieving and fighting forever. By sowing the seed regularly you will have a brood of descendants to carry on your life’s work and provide for you when this demanding lifestyle catches up with you.

Am I mentally ill?

I hope so. Being chemically imbalanced is an important element of any successful criminal career. Depression, self-harm, suicidal tendencies and personality disorders are all desired talents if you are to make the most of this unusual profession. Mental illness will not only aid you in overcoming the issues or morality surrounding criminality, but also may make you qualify for government benefits to supplement your criminal income, especially when first setting out along this chosen life path (please note, criminal earnings are not technically declarable and as such will not affect your benefit claims). As before, illicit drugs may aid your quest in achieving true mental instability.

This is an excerpt from my book that can be found on Amazon CLICK HERE